Right, okay. This next bit isn’t pretty

I wanted to make this post lighter after everything but honestly I had some of my darkest moments here. I’m going to keep it as light as I can.

Without knowing what a panic attack was or what DPDR was, and with where my health and capacity was at, it was a truly horrendous experience.

The panic attacks were constant throughout the day and night. They would peak, come down a little, then the next one would hit almost minutes after. I was throwing up from some of them at the start. I was lying in bed and they just kept coming.

I thought I was dying. My body thought I was dying. And when I closed my eyes I wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up again.

DPDR is genuinely one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. Out of everything in my life, when that is at full intensity, it is the hardest thing I have faced.

And that’s even still true now, when I know what it is.

There is a memory I will never forget. Back when I didn’t know what these symptoms were I had no answers for months.

I remember sitting in the car with my mum on the way to an appointment.

I was in that much distress constantly that I remember thinking, if this is permanent, I will have to sit my family down and say I can’t live like this. Can we look at options for assisted dying.

I remember it so clearly, sitting next to my mum with that full acceptance, the picture of having to tell them already in my head.

Thankfully, I started to find some answers like What a panic attack is. What DPDR is and realised it’s not permanent and there is hope. I am so grateful to those who helped me understand.

But unfortunately, the advice that came with it despite it all being well-meaning, wasn’t what was needed for me at that time.

That was the start of yet another tremendous toll on a body that was already holding everything that had brought it all on in the first place.

I have been in the darkest places, especially these last two years. I’m so proud of myself for getting through it, but boy it’s not been easy.

I will write more on this chapter, as I’d say this is one of the most important chapters that can be learned from, but let’s save that for another day, ey!

This wasn’t as light as I planned, I’m sorry. BUT…

I am so happy to say I’m in a much better place now. Things are still hard and there’s still a way to go.

But there are so many positives. I have learnt so much, and I feel incredibly grateful and lucky to have that.

And that is what getting the right support can do.

But it also made me realise something I wasn’t expecting.