Beliefs. Part Two.
I’ve been phoning bookshops over the last few weeks and I didn’t realise how much it would reveal about myself.
I find any form of public speaking genuinely difficult. I’m having intense symptoms throughout the day, so to add that on top of what I’m already going through was extra tough.
Why did I make life harder for myself?
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When Dr Sula Windgassen released her debut book, I was really grateful to have the opportunity to help spread the word.
So I started calling bookshops. And as I was calling, the old beliefs started to pop up.
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It wasn’t just the phone calls. It was the emails too, repeatedly seeing that even autocorrect didn’t know what I was trying to spell, wrestling letters into Google to try and find the right word. There are words that are pretty simple that I don’t know the meaning of. I’ve got quite confident saying, “I don’t know what that means,” but this particular week the frequency was a lot higher than usual.
My mind would go blank the moment things went off script. I couldn’t pronounce certain things. And it all started to stack up.
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I then thought to myself, if I’m having this much trouble doing phone calls, how on earth am I going to be able to share my story on a stage? Being in a room with serious people, trying to handle feedback from professionals who might have a different view?
I was watching people like Sula give these amazing talks, articulating complex ideas with such depth and clarity, and thinking I could never do that. I’ve got all these gaps in my skills. I still don’t fully know the alphabet. I have immense fear of it. AND I can’t even leave the house yet.
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The thoughts and beliefs came in heavy. I’m useless. I can’t do it. I can’t even articulate what I want to say.
I have been told I’m stupid quite a lot throughout my life. Although the beliefs around self worth have massively improved, this made me realise these ones haven’t shifted in the same way. In other situations, the belief can still come up, but I recognise it for what it is and I do not get pulled into it in the same way.
With this, I didn’t realise I was still fused with it.
I was right in the middle of the storm, fully believing it.
That showed me this is another belief I need to gently work with when it comes up.
Not by forcing a completely different story straight away, but by noticing it, creating a bit of space, and slowly updating it over time. I’ve done that with other beliefs before, so I trust this can shift too.
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Anyway.
That same day, I tried doing some communication exercises to start building those skills. I found them so difficult. And that was the thing that tipped me over the edge.
I always put it down to dyslexia. It’s okay, it’s hard, but this is why, and it’s possible with extra work and practice.
But sat there with all of these reminders stacking up in such a short space of time, something shifted. Maybe it’s not just the dyslexia. Maybe my experiences had a far bigger impact on my development than I’d ever let myself see.
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At school so much of it just felt impossible. I remember sitting in class in high school staring at the clock trying to figure out how it worked incase somebody asked me the time. I felt so silly for not knowing.
With everything that was going on at that time, I was never in a position to properly learn.
I thought about college. Animal behaviour, nutrition, welfare, the academic side. I got full distinctions, such a contrast to school. All I needed was the right environment.
University would have been the next step, a chance to keep building, fill in the gaps. Instead, those years were replaced by a dangerous environment that came with a side dish of drug dealers. Ironically, that’s how I ended up learning fractions, after going all through school without ever properly understanding them.
I’d already come to terms with how much my experiences had taken from my life. Or at least I thought I had. But in that moment I realised it went deeper than I knew. It hadn’t just taken my health, my safety, or years of my life. It had taken my chance to learn, to develop, to build skills. A whole other layer I hadn’t seen before.
And then it all hit at once. The full weight of it, landing together for the first time.
I felt an immense sadness.
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I was sat there, ugly crying. The weight of everything, the work I’ll have to do to do what I want to do. I have no clue how to structure or articulate my story and healthcare experience in a way that could be useful for people.
The work required to get me onto a stage if that’s where it goes. Not only the fear, but how long I’ve got to go with my health. And even then, people probably won’t want to listen.
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I’m usually pretty good at allowing myself to feel difficult emotions. But this one surprised me. Not the intensity, but the fact that I wanted to escape it.
I took a breath and reminded myself it’ll be okay, it’s temporary.
Then words started to pop into my head. Almost to a musical rhythm.
What if I was allowed to go to that university? Would I still be as lonely?
I ran to get a piece of paper. Tears falling out of my eyes, but it felt good. I just wrote everything out. And that’s how the first spoken word was written.
I had no plan to write anything else. But over the next few days it just kept coming. I couldn’t stop it. The second spoken word, then the website, all seven parts. It just poured out of me.
That was the most healing thing I have ever done. It had been waiting to come out. It helped me move through the emotions and see so many things I couldn’t see before.
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Looking back, I was comparing my chapter one to people who’ve had decades of training, exposure, and practice. Not exactly a fair comparison. Everyone starts somewhere.
And yet, sat there at my lowest, convinced I couldn’t do any of this, something opened up. I went with the emotion instead of fighting it, and what came out the other side was something I didn’t know was in me.
The voice was already there. It just needed the space to arrive. And credit where it’s due, despite my past experiences, I always show up no matter how difficult. This time it was the phone calls.
There are still skills I need to build and I’m going to be awkward and clunky at first. That’s okay. This belief hasn’t gone completely, but doing this has shifted it more than I thought it could.
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I’ll be sharing more of this journey as I go. How I work through these challenges, what I learn, what changes.
Bookshops
A little glimpse of me phoning bookshops. I called over 60 in total, and it really shows that if you put the reps in, you get more confident working through these difficult emotions.
I have an idea to keep this practice going beyond the bookshops.
It’s all in your Body
Dr Sula Windgassen
After all the pain and dismissal, finally someone listened, and I was able to get the support I needed. Knowing how much it’s changed things for me, I’ll always support that work reaching as many people as possible.
To Sula and the team, thank you for all your hard work. It means more than you’ll ever know.
